I began this year with one word, SOAR. And I have already seen God working in ways I never imagined.
On Sunday I was able to be in the "big people" sanctuary, and during worship I saw myself, stuck in the mud. And I felt a hand, grab onto me, lift me out, and I could see myself alone, cold, and stuck.
"You don't see what I see," I heard whispered.
And in that moment to know that He saw the end when I only saw the beginning.....it breathed life into these dry bones.
This week has been full of a change of perspective, and I have had energy, and joy. I have felt a lot more like myself.
And I have had so much fun with my girls.
Today I found myself back in that mud. I was tired. And short with the kids. My husband has had school and long days and I've been alone a lot more than normal. And when I found that they had grabbed a pack of markers and brought them into their room, I saw the blue and green and orange on their bodies, their sheets, their blankets......
.........and I saw red.
I walked away, got them something to eat, and let them cuddle on the couch. I knew they were hungry and needing some chill time.
Hands still shaking, I could hear the old (was it Keith Green?) song...
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Create. Not try to scrub, and polish, and shine. Create.
And if the God of all creation can create in me a clean heart, then I can certainly form, conceive, and forge a new day.
So we start again. And again. And again. And we may never get it right, but I know He's creating a new heart in me, and that's what I want my girls to see.