My week started like every other week, other than in the back of my mind, I had a glimmer of hope for something that seemed other worldly to me. After a month (or is it closer to a year) of challenges that have left me tired and discouraged on so many levels, this was going to be my redemption.
Maybe you've done it too....you have this possibility and your mind starts churning thinking," Ah-hah! This must be what God had planned all along." You are a regular Sherlock Holmes, not only excited about what must be in the future, but now you are proud of your supernatural discernment. You, my dear, must be gifted in the prophetic.
And so it builds. Until.
That door is closed. And you realize how much you hate that tired cliche of God closing doors because He is going to open a window. And you go from disappointment, to sadness, to anger, to frustration, back to sadness.
Soon you start thinking about how you didn't deserve it in the first place, and then the self-deprecating talk begins.
Or maybe I'm alone in this.....
On Tuesday evening I sat down to prepare my post for Wednesday. And all the hurt, and disappointment, and confusion started to come out. And sitting at this table, looking at my laptop, I decided that I just didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I wrote out the words that I would say if given the opportunity. It was a whisper.
That was my Wednesday post.
Through this week I have felt affirmed. I have stopped feeling so very alone. But more than that, I have felt loved.
I have felt loved by all the comments, the tweets, the messages, the emails, from friends and strangers alike, saying they will travel this road with me.
But even more than that (and believe me, that is so much), I have felt my Heavenly Father bend from the Heavens and wrap His arms around me. I've felt Him stroke my hair as I fall asleep and whisper His promises to me. I think I may have heard Him rejoice over me with singing.
It's Advent, and I think about those who were waiting for their Messiah. I think about those still waiting. They hold on to Hope because that's all you can do when waiting. But in the waiting, it's sometimes hard to feel love.
A baby? Not a king? This wasn't what it was supposed to look like.
My life? This isn't what it was supposed to look like.
But loved ripped through history. It came down to save a people. It saved me from myself. Love disturbs my expectations on a daily basis and challenges me to hope for something different than my own desires. Love dares me to see the world, see my world, through the eyes of the Creator.
Love gives glimpses, but never the whole. And when I start to worry and wonder it whispers, "Trust."
Love holds me in the moments the waiting feels forever. Love tells me that I'm not alone. Loves shakes me when my focus stays too long on me. And Love....Love is what opens my heart to His freedom.
"A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes...and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent."