Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Land of the Living



I don’t speak of it directly much anymore. It's not my right now, is it? My voice that used to carry across an auditorium has been reduced to a whisper. The pillar of cloud that leads during the day and the pillar of fire for the night have faded and I don’t see them. I walk, I trod, I crawl following my previous steps, hoping it’s the same direction. Is that faith? Even though I can’t see, I walk and I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Where is that even from?  I thumb through the soft and well worn pages hoping I’ll find it. Notes and highlights remind me of what I used to know.

It’s all my fault. I fumble in the darkness, in the fog that weighs heavy on my skin, a constant reminder that I did something, made some decision along this path that left me in the shadow.

But I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I wonder what was real and what was mere zeal. I waited. I pursued. I sought. I kneeled down on the altar. Heart clean. Hands raised.  Mouth open. And the fire passed me by. Oh, God, I waited. But I also wandered, not far but I should know better. And now I’m alone here in the darkness and my face is wet and I don’t know if it’s from the mist of from the tears that fall without warning. I welcome the tears for I fear the day they leave me dry and all I’m left with is regret.

But I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I speak as if I’m David, “Lord you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord. Awake and arise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and my Lord. Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God; do not let them gloat over me.”
I stop to catch my breath.
Even in the silence that haunts me I hear this…..

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

The weight of my sins. The weight of my mistakes. The weight of my decisions hold me down and I cannot lift my head.

And I wait. Again.
For You are the lifter of my head.
And I wait. For that grace to wash over me. 
To push out the darkness. 
To resuscitate me with your breath. 
And to spark and make the fire burn bright again.
A pillar to lead me.

For I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27, Psalm 35, Psalm 3

1 comment:

  1. Stopped over here from a tweet by Tammy. This is beautiful. I have been writing posts that walk through the Psalms since January. I am consistently surprised by the darkness I find there. How sadness and tears and anger are in the poetry God placed in the middle of the Bible for us. How faith is trusting we will see God's goodness while at the same time we feel His absence.

    Thank you for writing this beautiful reflection.

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