Thursday, August 9, 2012

Opening



I sent out the email because I knew it was the next step. I was so scared about it all that I hit the send button before I bothered to put in the link. Then I had to remember who I put on that email thanks to the BCC and resend it out. Yeah, I’m a skilled communicator.

I crave community. I want to build relationships and learn to be the friend that I have been looking for since my best friend moved to Florida (she’s still a traitor for leaving me J). But I’ve got to tell you, I’ve been burned. Been burned bad. And because of that, I back off quickly if I see warning signs. I don’t need a red flag to get me running….a hint of pink and I’m packing up. I think at some point we all have that devastating betrayal…and once that hits it changes everything. Forgiveness is one thing. Opening yourself up to the chance for it to happen again is quite another.

So I wrote about how I wanted a friend to share coffee with, and I hit publish, and then emailed it to these amazing ladies that I let into my home each week, but not into my life. And I know it is on me that I’m so closed off, so I did it trying to be brave.

And I realized I’m not alone.  I received wonderful emails and comments and I learned that we all have do over days. And questioning our role as mothers and wives isn’t uncommon. And we all have lonely days. And we all have some kind of art in us that is trying to get out in between breakfast and lunch and diapers and nursing and coloring and games and cleaning.

It might not be Egypt, it might be Niger, but our hearts are full and can’t hold it in. Somewhere between then and now. I’m trying so hard to be present, to flesh out this life and do the Kingdom work now, but it’s hard, isn’t it? And you are there with me. And it might not be so bad to admit that we aren’t always thrilled with our circumstances and that when we are waiting for all things to work together, there is a lot of sleepless nights and days filled with wondering.

Yesterday, yesterday I sat on my couch, with a friend, with coffee, and talked. Oh my soul. With the kids interrupting and everything else there was a time of sharing. And she reminded me of the Psalm that says no good thing will He withhold. And my mind flashed back to that afternoon pryaing, wondering why He was withholding, wondering still, but it was so good to have a person to talk to. And then just an hour later a friend on Twitter shares the same verse.

In my closed off little cocoon, there are glimmers of community. There are tears and smiles. There will be joy, I can see it and I can feel it.
Thanks for reading, friend.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Brenna I had no idea. I am so glad you are opening up. I am in the same boat. Wanting to be a part of community but being burned really really badly again and again, I don't trust too easily. It's a lonely place to be, but a place of protection until I can emerge wiser and more trusting in myself.

    I am glad I am your friend. And hope to be walking alongside you for a long, long time.

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