Thursday, August 6, 2009

Broken

I have been staring at a blank screen for some time now, unsure of where, how, or even if I should start. I have never felt so broken. We used to do this intense weekend at church called Encounter. From Friday night to Sunday afternoon it was a time of tearing, ripping, and filling. Somewhere around Saturday evening you think that it can't get any worse. Past hurts, sins, and all the things that we like to hide are brought out to surface to deal with. It is a sickening feeling. But just when you get there, the feeling passes and you are brought to a place of healing and relief. I have that Saturday evening feeling, with no relief in sight. I know God is in the middle of a major work, but it is taking a LONG time! It's like having work done on your teeth and the anesthesia wears out.

I've been reading Joanna Weaver's book, Having a Mary Spirit and I am surprised at how much it is dragging up. I wrote before about trying to figure out who I am at this stage in life. That's just part of it. It's like everything has been ripped away. I'm just trying to get my footing, all while attempting to stop mixing my metaphors.

I had a moment of peace this afternoon. Kathryn asleep in her room. Me sitting in my favorite chair near the windows with the wind blowing in so sweetly. Sophie sleeping on my shoulder. No agendas. No to do lists. Just a mommy moment. Peace. Gratitude.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Father's Heart

My sleep was interrupted last night with yelling from outside that appeared to come from the ally. I should be used to street noise by now, but there was something different about it. I had just finished nursing Sophie and I heard glass breaking. There was some argument near the empty lot behind our building. It was clearly escalating and I could swear I heard a baby. I don't want to be one of those city dwellers who ignores the goings on around them so I called 911. I stayed near the back window and continued watching and praying. There were several people involved and it just kept getting worse and worse. It looked as if someone was stomping on someone else. I called 911 back and told them they better hurry up. Finally several cars responded.

Here's where I know I'm not in Kansas anymore....the police didn't ask me for a statement. They didn't take anyone in. They just sent them on their way.....The mom walking in one direction with her baby in a baby stroller (it was now 2:45 am) and the man who wouldn't let the kid go, in the other. My heart hurt watching that. First, how hardened are we that a violent domestic disagreement doesn't warrant further inspection? I am not proposing that all children be ripped from their famil, but may God's hand of protection be on that precious child who will undoubtedly continue to be witness to violence both verbal and physical.

I stayed up for another hour or so, tossing and turning and praying. My heart was broken watching the altercation. I can only imagine the Father's heart as He watches us.....