I have been staring at a blank screen for some time now, unsure of where, how, or even if I should start. I have never felt so broken. We used to do this intense weekend at church called Encounter. From Friday night to Sunday afternoon it was a time of tearing, ripping, and filling. Somewhere around Saturday evening you think that it can't get any worse. Past hurts, sins, and all the things that we like to hide are brought out to surface to deal with. It is a sickening feeling. But just when you get there, the feeling passes and you are brought to a place of healing and relief. I have that Saturday evening feeling, with no relief in sight. I know God is in the middle of a major work, but it is taking a LONG time! It's like having work done on your teeth and the anesthesia wears out.
I've been reading Joanna Weaver's book, Having a Mary Spirit and I am surprised at how much it is dragging up. I wrote before about trying to figure out who I am at this stage in life. That's just part of it. It's like everything has been ripped away. I'm just trying to get my footing, all while attempting to stop mixing my metaphors.
I had a moment of peace this afternoon. Kathryn asleep in her room. Me sitting in my favorite chair near the windows with the wind blowing in so sweetly. Sophie sleeping on my shoulder. No agendas. No to do lists. Just a mommy moment. Peace. Gratitude.